January 2, 2020

We decided to ring in the new year with a fun family trip! With the Christmas money from my mom and Doug, we went to an indoor waterpark resort. We had a good time! I'm grateful for mom's generosity with Christmas gifts. It will be a trip to remember!

Anden Jonathan Kershaw

Our baby is here! Anden was born on November 21, 2018, at 8:04 am. He is such a sweet little boy and we love him so much!

I wanted to share my birthing story.

On Monday, November 19, I was having a lot of Braxton hicks. I started noticing them around dinner time and realized they were coming every 10 minutes apart. They weren't coming strong, so I just casually kept an eye on the clock and went to bed. In the morning they were gone, but I had a feeling that this baby was coming soon. I had read all my other birthing stories and realized that with Aveya, my labor started a lot like how this one was going, so I felt like I should be ready for when things actually started progressing.

On Tuesday, I started feeling pretty intense contractions. I noticed they were coming in the afternoon, but they weren't consistent. I told Jonathan that I was going to take it easy the rest of the afternoon, and let the kids watch a few shows on the tablet while I tried to relax on the couch. I had tried to get them to chill with me and read books together, but after the kids climbed on me (and fought about who could sit where) and a few hits to the gut, I couldn't take it anymore. By dinner time my contractions were finally consistent(!!) but they were only 20 minutes apart. I had the idea to call my mom because with my little sister, Holly, my mom had a lot of contractions but didn't listen to her body and (long story short) gave birth on the side of the road on the way to the hospital. That's about all I knew of the story. I was getting frustrated because these contractions were hard but not consistent but I didn't want to relive that story, so I called her and asked for the details. Turns out my mom had contractions throughout the whole pregnancy (so did I, but mine were obviously mostly Braxton Hicks with a few real ones every now and then) and then the night before she had Holly, they were coming hard every 10 minutes all night.  She told me she just laid on the couch all night and waited for them to start coming closer together. Then in the morning, my dad asked her what her plan was (it was Sunday morning) and she told him they were still 10 minutes apart and she wasn't moving until she knew this was the real deal. Well, he hopped in the shower to get ready to go to church, and my mom got up to do something and realized she was transitioning! And then the rest is history... she had the baby on the way. So my take home was, I didn't need to wait until they started coming 5 minutes. If I knew this was the real deal, get to the hospital.

After dinner, I took a bath and contacted the girl who we had set up to watch the kids in the middle of the night. I told her that I was thinking it would happen today. We decided to go to bed early because I knew it was going to be a short night, and I wanted Jonathan to get as much sleep as he could. I didn't sleep much, my contractions were getting hard but still only 10 minutes apart. By about 1:00, I was done waiting for them to get harder or longer or closer together. So I got up and had three contractions in about 5 minutes. I woke Jonathan up and he called the babysitter while I called my OB office. I don't know why, but for some reason, it said the number I called was invalid. I had never had that happen before, and I didn't know what to do! So I called the hospital I was going to go to and they transferred me to the OB on call I told her they were coming hard and almost 5 minutes apart. She asked what I wanted to do, and I told her that I wanted to just come in, so she said she would meet me there. As I was having these issues trying to get a hold of my OB, Jonathan was having issues trying to get a hold of Danica Motes (our nighttime babysitter). She said she always hears her phone, but after 5 or 6 calls she didn't answer. Jonathan called her husband and he answered first time (which apparently is unusual that he heard his phone). haha.

On the way to the hospital my contractions were hard but really far apart, so Jonathan and I were able to carry on a decent conversation. When I got there, I was put into the triage room and hooked up onto the monitors and checked. I was only 2.75!! My contractions were coming hard, how was it that I wasn't dilated further!? The triage nurse kept saying things like "if we admit you"... (eye roll) I wondered if I jumped the gun, but knew that I was in labor. I told Jonathan that if they sent me home, I would just go walk around the lobby for an hour. I was not going to go home! They finally admitted me since I was higher risk labor (since I was a V-BAC and all).

The contractions were still really hard, and my nurse said that I should try to get some sleep... uuuhhh, I'm in labor, I'm not going to sleep. But I stayed in the bed for a few hours, and then said I didn't want to stay in the bed much longer. I asked the nurse if they had a birthing ball. She left to go get it and I really couldn't stay laying down much longer. I got out of bed and when the nurse got back she was surprised to see me up. She kind of reprimanded me for getting out of bed without her help. I was a little surprised, I didn't have an epidural at this point, why wasn't I allowed to move around? As I was on the ball, I asked when I was allowed to get an epidural. **I had decided before I went into labor that I wanted an epidural, partly because I didn't want to take the time to prepare for labor (the method I love using takes at least an hour a day of preparation, and I didn't want to use my time that way... I'm kinda busy with my kids...) and partly because I wanted to have a back up just in case I needed an emergency c-section, so that I could be awake to see my baby.

Next thing I know, the anesthesiologist was on his way and I started getting really nervous. (I've never had an epidral before, and one of the major reasons I hadn't is because I'm so scared of a needle in my spine!) He got his stuff ready and talked me through what was going to happen. As he was numbing me, I kept bouncing as if I were getting poked in the sides. The anesthesiologist said that I shouldn't do that once I got the epidural. I got the epidural and I started feeling better but things didn't get better. My blood pressure plummeted and they had to keep a close eye on me (another reason I didn't want an epidural).

As soon as I got the epidural, my water broke and then things started moving! Within 45 minutes I was 9.5 with a little lip. Everyone started gathering and getting things ready. I asked my OB (who I had never met BTW) if I could push in a different position then on my back. She said absolutely not. That was a little frustrating, because I asked at one of my appointments if I could push in a different position. She said it depended on how my epidural took, if I could move my legs, but that I might be able to. I still could move my legs, but they didn't even want to let me try. I was a little frustrated.

Well, then it was time, I started pushing, and 45 seconds later he was born! This is the best moment! He was on my chest and I was so in love! His hands were up by his face and he was scratching his face, so I put my finger in his hands and he held my hand! It was the best!

All in all, from the time I was in "real labor" (they count that when you are dilated to a 3) to the time I was holding Anden it was about 2 and a half hours! Crazy fast!

Anden Jonathan Kershaw was born at 8:02 am, and he was 7 lbs 9 oz 20 1/4" long! So So in love!

my boys <3

He loves holding my hand. It calms both of us down :)

Halloween

This Halloween we did another family costume. Jonathan and I dressed up this year (last year we didn't dress up, but having a perfect pregnant belly made it impossible not to dress up).

Cambria decided that she wanted to dress up as Elsa from Frozen, so we all dressed up around her request. This will probably be the last year we will be able to convince everyone to comply with Cambria's dream Halloween costume. Corbin dressed up as Kristoff, Aveya was Anna, I was Olaf (the snowman) and Jonathan was Sven (the reindeer). We had a great time dressing up!

I got some fake hair for Cambria so she could have a big long braid. I had way too much fun doing her hair. It turned out that Aveya had long enough hair for two little pig tails, so cute!!!

Halloween in this neighborhood is seriously the best! Everyone sits out on their driveway with their friends and a big bowl of candy. Trick or treating starts around 6:00 and it's dead by 8:00. The kids went around the block (with both mom and dad) and then said they were both done. I wanted them to go for longer, but nobody wanted to keep going. I was so surprised! Cambria and Corbin actually really enjoyed handing out candy! So that was fun!

Here are what everyone is wanting; pictures.

Jonathan's birthday

Jonathan's birthday kind of snuck up on me this year. I was not prepared like I was last year, but last year was the anomaly. He's pretty easy to please, which takes the pressure off.

This year, I gave him the morning off (he often wakes up with the kids so I can get a little more sleep... isn't he so great!?!) and made omelets, toast, and OJ. We had stake conference today and Aveya wasn't having it... she did not want to sit in the meeting, so I got to walk the halls. The other kids did really well, so he was actually able to listen (which is better than we could say for the last month or so of church, it's not unusual for both of us to be out in the foyer with a different child, and Cambria sits by herself...). Happy birthday to him!

I was pretty exhausted (now that I'm in my 3rd trimester, I'm feeling very tired) so I took a nap, and tried to get Aveya to sleep (didn't happen). Then I worked on dinner and dessert! We had sweet potato and black bean enchiladas, nachos, salad, and root beer. Then we had chocolate mousse for dessert!

As far as presents, he's the hardest person to shop for. He doesn't like stuff, has no hobbies, and doesn't give me any fun ideas... He does have a bike though, so I gave him some bike gear and a new, very slim wallet.

All-in-all, I think it was a good day.

I sure do love that man! He seriously is the best dad and such a great husband. I'm so glad he's mine!

Singing "happy birthday" to himself with the kids.

She's modeling daddy's new helmet. 

Corbin's birthday

I have a big 4-year-old boy! He is old enough to really relish the birthday glory! The main thing he said to me was "mom, can I _____ because it's my birthday?" He got to do a lot of fun things that he usually doesn't do, which he loved.

He stayed home from school because he had a fever the night before. He didn't act sick, but he was feeling pretty warm.

He got to wear his pajamas all day, and watch shows, and eat almost as many canned peaches as he wanted (I capped it at 3 or 4 little-individualized snack packs). We had a great day!

He asked for a cake with candy on the inside, cookies on the outside, frosting and whipped cream. So, why not indulge him for his birthday?

He took a long nap because he wasn't feeling well, poor kid!

Corbin is a Preschooler!

Corbin had his first day on the Monday after Cambria started. He is still speech delayed, so he gets to ride the bus! I was a little nervous about how that would go considering when we walked around on the bus on his orientation day he wouldn't even step on it without clinging to me the whole time.

On his first day, Cambria rode the bus with him (because her bus stop is 4 houses down and they pick up at the same time and drop off in the same location). He walked on without a backward glance, and came home with a smile on his face!

The first week was a little rough, Corbin didn't engage much (I got a note from his teacher), but turned out that he gave himself a fever by Friday. I think he stressed himself out, to the point that he made himself sick. I haven't gotten another note from his teacher, so I'm hoping that means that he's starting to engage in class more.

Turned out that Jonathan's first day of teaching as a tenure-track professor was Corbin's first day too! I had to take that photo opp.

Cambria's in Kindergarten!

This was a big week for us! School started... well, Monday is Corbin's first day, but last week we had orientations and parent meetings, and Cambria had her first day.

Cambria has been so excited to start kindergarten! On Wednesday we visited her school and classroom, she was a little wary but was jumping around as we left. I think she's going to like it once she gets to know the kids in her class. Her teacher seems to be very kind and understanding!

She is riding the bus! Can you believe that? At first, I thought there is no way I'm letting my 5-year-old on a bus by herself! But there are a few 5th-grade girls in our ward that have taken her under her wing. One of which is at the exact same bus stop. That made me feel much better. Plus, waiting at a bus stop is SO MUCH EASIER than picking up and dropping off! (not to mention that the pick-up and drop-off situation sounds like a horrible hassle at this school. It's not designed for a lot of traffic, so there's lots of traffic jams and stuff.)

Can I just say that having Cambria gone from 8:30-3:30 is a long time?! I wasn't expecting to feel that!

She's so big! 

lessons learned from therapy

I decided around December 2017 that it would be good to go to therapy again. Things had gone south again, I was having anxiety attacks and it wasn’t something I knew how to deal with. I found a therapist that was absolutely amazing!

Now that I have moved away, I obviously am not seeing her anymore. So I wanted to make a list of things that I have learned while going to her.

1. First of all, not every therapist is created equal. My last therapist was such a help to me and really taught me so much. The other two I had paled in comparison. I’m sure they were great therapists, but just not what I needed.

2. My biggest take home was the realization (and complete acceptance of) this concept: my worth is infinite. As I’m typing this, all the lessons from Young Womens comes back and I think “well duh!” But let me explain! I knew that was true, but I didn’t believe it. Why? Because every time I looked at my sink at the end of the day (or even my table) and I saw dishes that were from BREAKFAST still sitting there, a little voice in my mind would say “you are such a bad home maker. You can’t even take care of a simple thing like dishes” bla bla bla. And I would believe it. How could I be all that awesome if my kitchen looked like that? That was just one example, but I would do this with a lot of areas in my life. I just yelled at my kids = I’m a bad mom. I don’t play with them as much as I think so-and-so does = I’m a bad mom.
… you get my drift. Well I had a breakthrough while in therapy. God loves me right where I am. He loves me PERFECTLY just as I am.  And if I get the dishes done that day, although that’s great, it doesn’t make Him love me more. The same is true the opposite way, if I don’t do the dishes, He doesn’t love me any less. Nothing that I do (good or bad) changes the way that He feels about me, or my worth as a human being (or spiritual being).

3. To go along with #2, I stopped using the terms “good mom” “bad mom” or anything like it. It doesn’t matter how many tallys on my “mom board” I have. I feel so much better if I just stop tallying all that I do. Just try to do good, and let the chips fall and not worry about it.

4. Both of those things are basically talking about my thought processes and how I use self talk. I learned a lot about those two things. It’s important to step back and check my thinking. I found a fantastic podcast about thought processes that I want to explore more, but it was such a mind blowing way of dissecting our thoughts that I just have to share it.

5. I learned that I repress “bad” emotions. “I shouldn’t feel this way”… my therapist said over and over: all emotions are ok, not all responses are ok. Which then we played with (going back to #2) All of me is ok, but not all of my behaviors are ok. Which, again, is a freeing thought.
It’s OKAY to feel anything that you are feeling, in fact, if you suppress it, it doesn’t ever go away, but if you feel it and sit with it for a while, then it will dissipate and you can move on.

6. I also learned some coping strategies for when I start feeling anxious. (the whole reason I started going). Mainly some self talk ques, and breathing techniques.

There were other things, but they were personal and not so universal. I feel like these things above could possibly help others as well. I really feel like every single person would benefit from learning some of these techniques. I often say I feel like everyone needs therapy, but there are other ways to learn how to check your thinking and stuff. I’m so grateful I was able to go, and learn so much. It definitely changed my life, and I hope it continues to. 

I'm back

Hi all!
It's been wayyyyyy too long! I always have really good excuses for my lack of blogging. This time it's a computer that doesn't really work. It still doesn't work well, but I'm just going to go with it...

I have a really good idea for a blog post, so stay tuned.

In the meantime, since my last blog post we have moved from Indiana to Ohio, I turned 30 (so did Jonathan... both of our celebrations were epic), I'm expecting baby number 4, we found out he is a boy, ... ... and so much more!

Here's to trying to periodically do this more often.

First primary program!

Cambria participated in her first primary program! I couldn't help but feel all the feelings as I saw her sitting up on the stand.

It's amazing to me how starkly different each child feels in front of people. Each child is unique, but somehow you get the same "types" of kids in every program 😊. Cambria sat next to one sunbeam who had the bright eyes and huge smile on her face the whole time. The other one took the more shy approach. They were all so cute!

Cambria seems to be very obedient in a classroom setting. I couldn't help but feel pride as she sang almost all the words to all the songs (which, by the way, was all her. I didn't work on the songs at all with her) and confidently said her part.

Many of my closest friends are moms to sunbeams, (and they are all the oldest kids too) and I couldn't help but look and see the pride on their faces too.

It's moments like this. Yay for good moments as a mom 😊

my haircut

I kind of cut my hair on a whim.

As I was on my trip, I realized how much time my hair demanded (which I didn't give it on the trip, and it just looked bad almost all the time). One day I started thinking about it and decided that I wanted to cut my hair. I started researching on pinterest and found one style that I loved! It was short and it was curly!

I wanted something that was cut with the intention of it being styled curly. I've never had a cut like that, and thought if it was cut to look good curly, then I probably would style it curly.

So without further ado:

before: (It's so long I can't even get all of it in the pic)

After!!

I love it curly! It's not the best pic, but I really love it curly!!

Food and Anxiety

About a year ago, I started accepting the fact that something was up, that how I was feeling didn't fall within a "normal" (for lack of a better word) emotional spectrum. I started going to therapy and after a few sessions, I asked my therapist what she thought of me. She told me I definitely have anxiety. She said I am very tightly wound.

A few of my friends had started making some major changes in their diet for one reason or another. As I was talking to one of them she said that she did an in depth study of the Word of Wisdom and got some very clear instruction for how she needed to change her family's diet. That got me thinking, and praying. You know the phrase "you are what you eat"? Well, as I thought about things, I felt like the food I put into my body probably has a lot more to do with how I feel than I was giving credit for. I started lightly researching food and emotional health, with not much luck. So then I felt like I needed to study the Word of Wisdom, like my friend had.

As I studied, I also received specific instruction for what I needed to change in my eating habits. Mainly, I needed to add more variety and increase my consumption of vegetables. I jumped in with both feet and it lasted for about a month. But I was pregnant and we were on a grad student budget. Once I saw how much it cost to eat that way, I went back to the way we ate before with the idea that we would jump back in when we started our post-doc and I was no longer pregnant.

We started eating more veggie-heavy meals after Aveya was born, and have been ever since. I didn't put the two together, but my anxiety was also pretty low. Well, we went on vacation for 5 weeks and my diet drastically changed. By the end of the trip I was an emotional mess, and this week (the first full week we've been back) I've been one big ball of anxiety and nerves.

Again, I didn't put the two together till maybe yesterday. But I think I have received a confirmation that I am what I eat, and I can attest to the fact that I feel better when I eat better. For me, it comes out in my emotional health, for some others it may come out in energy or something else.

So here's to healthy eating, and getting back into the swing of eating better.

Corbin's Birthday

Corbin's official birthday is tomorrow, but Jonathan will be gone all day, so we decided to celebrate today.

I can't believe he's 3! He is such a happy boy. He is starting to talk a lot more which just adds to his "I want to make you laugh" personality. He is so thoughtful and caring. We are so glad he's part of our crew!

As soon as we were up, I wanted to start on waffles. He wanted to help.
For some reason, he seems so big in this picture. Jonathan commented that he's growing up, to which he replied "yup, just like Daniel Tiger!" (he watched an episode all about Daniel Tiger growing up and being a big helper)

Daddy suggested we open one present in the morning. The only gift that was wrapped was the one Cambria bought for him and helped me wrap yesterday. So that's what he got to open.

I told him to say thank you to Bia and then this happened. They really do have a sweet relationship.

Not pictured: I had a friend come over and cut all my hair off! I'll probably blog about it later.

Right after quiet time I made frosting for his cupcakes. He was right by my side. Right where he likes to be.
Bonus: he got to lick the beater... and the bowl...

 Not pictured: Hot dogs for lunch! We also went to the park. It was good to get out of the house. He is starting to get brave enough to play by himself. He still would rather me be right there with him, playing. I did actually do that for a few minutes. Go me!

After the park Daddy came home a little early and played with the kids while I got Hawaiian haystacks ready for dinner. That is literally the only dinner meal my kids will actually eat. I make a lot more food than that but they take one bite and then they are done.

We had floats (edible bubbles... it doesn't get much better than that) and needed something to put candles in... so we had cupcakes too. Thankfully neither of the kids finished either dessert, so I don't think they were too flooded with sugar.

"show me your bubbles!"

I'm not sure why, but the quality of the pictures dramatically decreased with these ones. Sorry.

"oh-ho! Me-me own playdoh toys! And playdoh!!"

This is me trying to get in some pictures too. Corbin got soap (as many bubbles to dump into the sink at one time as he wants!!!) and playdoh toys. 

Thanks Grandma Fletcher, and Grandma and Grandpa Kershaw for the cards!

Summer Trip 2017

This summer we had planned to go spend some time with Robert and Ruth in Georgia, and Dave and Jenny in Virginia Beach. That was planned to last all of one week.

Well... our trip ended up being a bit longer than that. I decided pretty last minute (a few weeks before leaving) that I couldn't stay away from Utah. We planned to go for Christmas, but that wasn't going to fill my needs now. So we booked tickets to head to Utah, so that I could to my cousin's wedding in Alberta during my trip to Utah. At first I was thinking I would just take Aveya and we could go and come back over a few days. But then push came to shove (cheaper airline tickets, a desire for my kids to strengthen relationships with their cousins... etc) we decided that me and the kids should fly to Utah for three weeks and then fly directly from SLC to Atlanta where Jonathan would meet us and drive us to our originally planned vacation (to Robert and Ruths, and then to Dave and Jenny's). As we were in Utah, Jonathan found out about an opportunity to go to a work conference in Rhode Island that started on the day we planned to drive home from Virginia. What the heck, why not add another 5 days to our trip...

Our trip ended up being 5 weeks. It was long! But we had a good time. There were some highs and lows and everything in between. We had some unexpected expenses (Jonathan had a tire blowout on the way to Georgia and ended up replacing all 4 tires, even though we took the van to a shop and got an all clear that things looked good... yeah... we probably won't be back to that shop. We also had a crazy adventure getting to Utah, our flight was canceled due to storms, and Frontier couldn't fly us out for another 4 days or something crazy, so we spent all day trying to find a flight to Utah that day.... that was a lot of money, but we made it!) Even with all the crazy, we saw blessings, and recognize that we have been taken care of more than we probably realize.

blah blah blah... here our the pics!

A picture from our 24 hour trip to Utah. After we found a flight, we found a free indoor playground close to the Airport. That killed some time and energy! Both of those things were needed.
(We woke up at 3:00 AM to make our 6:00 flight, which was canceled, and after all was said and done, rolled into my sister's house at 2:00 AM Utah time, we had been up, and traveling for over 24 hours... blah!)

Aveya with her cousin Ezio, he's only a month older than her :)

the kids shared a bed the entire trip. They did surprisingly well. 

The kids with the Brown family

Jonathan spent a weekend backpacking with a friend! From what he told me, he had a good time!

The cute newlyweds! The wedding was beautiful!!

I wanted to make it a point to spend some one on one time with each individual family in Utah. This is Corbin and his cousin River. They played really nicely. Which is saying something, because he would rather hang out on my lap while I visit, then be with kids his own age. (Shaylee was Cambria's constant friend in Utah. She often came with us on whatever adventure we went on. It was sweet!)

The Lawlors have to squeeze games in whenever they can. I'm glad I could play with my cousins too!

We stayed with my Grandma and Grandpa when we were in Canada. They have momentoes from all their travels around the globe. Shaylee's listening to the ocean. (I believe this shell was found in Fiji)

Every time I go up to Alberta, I have to make sure to stop and visit Danae's grave. Cambria is named after her and Aveya was born on her birthday. I believe they will always have a special connection with her.

I also tried to get out of the house and do fun things this trip! (I took my inspiration from you, Erica!) This is BYU duck pond. Word from the wise, if you want to see ducks eat the bread you offer, go somewhere else. haha! They had no interest in the food we brought!

The kids loved watching the ducks anyway!

my 8 year old nephew. Sometimes he looks 12. NBD

These two... there's one cousin who is right with them in age, but he wasn't there. I can only imagine the mischief they will get into as they get older :)

Merek LOVES babies, and he's so sweet with them. He doesn't talk much, but he's very clear that he wants to hold the baby. :)

Springville splash pad!

Corbin actually played in the water. I think this is a first. For real! He gets really nervous around water that sprays... or that sits in a pool... just water in general, unless it's in the bathtub.

I didn't take too many pictures in Utah, there were so many cameras flashing all the time. I figured I would just get their pictures. But I never do... sigh...

The boys were matching. this wasn't intentional. Neither one are great picture takers, so this is the best we got.

Robert works at a fire station. I'm so glad we got to check out the fire trucks! Corbin loves fire trucks!
Georgia Kershaws with Indiana Kershaws :)

Michelle is so proud of her photo bomb ;)

I love this pic haha!

photo proof that he actually got out and got wet!

Holding hands. This gives me hope that their relationship will be good once they learn how to control their big emotions.

This girl, and water. She loves it! Sand is good too

Uncle Dave is so great with kids! So is Jenny, I just don't have any pics with her.

Cambria and Kami. They hit it off real quick. Kami has dress-ups and princess stuff... Cambria was all over that!

at the aquarium. Proof that I actually went on this vacation... I don't often remember to get in the picture. #momproblems

Cambria was excited to catch a fish until it started squirming. Then she didn't want to get too close.

This is our posed solar eclipse picture. You don't need to know that we watched the eclipse out the side of a mall parking lot. You also don't need to know that this pic was taken in the shade... much after the eclipse ended...

pedicures with the girls! I love my last summer hurrah toes!