WARNING: very vulnerable post ahead
I have a one year old. I never thought that it would take me over a year to transition to mommyhood. I still feel like I'm learning how to do this whole mommy thing. Some days (like last night) end in lots of tears for reasons like "I know this is the most important thing I can be doing right now, but day in and day out I feel purposeless." "All I do all day is wait for the day to end so I can see Jonathan at the end of it" "The only things I have to look forward to are play dates, and if I don't have one it's a bad day". The struggle here is that I want to (and know I should) do more, but I don't want to add anything to my plate because my plate is already full. I know if I planned things to do then I would feel better, but if I plan things then I just have one more thing that I want to do but don't get around to doing it.
Struggles.
Don't get worried, I'm not depressed. We all have highs and lows, and that's normal and healthy.
I want to be better, I want to be self sufficient, I want to be able to go day in and day out without feeling like I need to get out of my own house, or have someone over. Hopefully if I keep working at it, it'll get better.
These feelings are normal, right? Other moms feel/have felt this way, right?
Nope; it's just you. Haha. SOOOO kidding.
ReplyDeleteAfter 6.5 years of mothering I still feel like I'm trying to figure it out. :) I think that's fairly normal. Every child and every situation is different (and will continue to be different) so I'm always having to stretch myself, to think of new solutions, to learn, and so on. It feels like jumping into untested waters all the time.
For me, anyway.
I loved the quote you put up on Facebook today (or whenever) by Elder Holland—about young mothers + grad school. :) It was perfect (and just what I needed to read today).
I'm sure you're doing a great job so don't let feelings of inadequacy get to you. Just keep swimming. It's all we can do. :)
All moms feel like that, the feelings come and go, I promise.
ReplyDeleteI think it is especially hard on moms who have worked outside the home in a career they like (or dare I say it love). When you work there are a kinds of benchmarks and indicators that you are doing a good job. Most people get praise from a boss or coworkers for projects and ideas. Then when you stay home, it's just you and the baby or babies most of the time. It takes years before you child can praise what your doing and life overall can get pretty monotonous. It is also hard to lose the social interaction with other adults.
My grandma told me before Natalie was born to not lose myself totally. To save some time for me and to do something I loved. I've found that even something as simple as making a decoration (even though it can take weeks to finish) really helps break up the monotony. I've also really worked on cultivating hobbies and it has helped a lot. Just try to set some time aside for you each week (I know it's hard to find the time) but do something you love away from Cambria. Sew, read, sing, paint, anything it really helps.